


Ineffable Parents

by Aziraphales (arka_r)



Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Accidental Baby Acquisition, Aziraphale and Crowley are Adam Young's Parents, Beelzebub and Gabriel are Warlock Dowling's Parents, Child Abandonment, Child Neglect, Warlock Dowling Feels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-22
Updated: 2019-07-26
Packaged: 2020-07-10 20:56:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19912084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arka_r/pseuds/Aziraphales
Summary: To ensure the Apocalypse will happen, Gabriel and Beelzebub make an arrangement that involve raising the Antichrist themselves.Of course, things don't always work the way they want. Stupid Ineffable Plan.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> beta'd by the best gurl [revasnaslan](https://revasnaslan.tumblr.com/)

When Warlock was ten years old (almost eleven!), he knew about a whole lot of things. Like he knew that his mum and his dad were not his real mum and dad, or that his mum was not really an American ambassador like everyone told him, or that his dad was not actually human.

Really, the last two facts should have been obvious to everyone. For example, his mum knew nothing about the United States, that America was not really the name of the country, or that the US president was not George W. Bush (and hadn’t been for years). Warlock might not know a thing about his supposed homeland except from some memes on the internet, but it was an easy check through Google and Wikipedia.

As for his dad… well, as far as he could remember, Warlock had never seen his dad eat, not even once. That, and the fact that his dad always wore winged themed stuff, made Warlock believe that his dad might be an alien, a bird-person, coming from a bird-planet.

“That doesn’t make any sense”, Adam told him once Warlock was done telling him about his theory. 

Adam Fell had been Warlock’s only friend since they both were six and had only just entered Year One, but Warlock never admitted that out loud. It made him sounded lame and Warlock was anything but lame.

“My dad always wears winged fob and ring, but he loves food probably more than he loves Crowley, so he can’t be a bird-person”, Adam said as-a-matter-of-factly. 

“Your dad can’t be a bird-person ‘cause he’s fat”, Warlock said with a shrug.

Adam frowned. “That’s mean.”

“Yeah? What are you gonna do about it?” Warlock challenged.

“I’ll tell my dad. Bet he won’t be as nice to you then”, Adam retorted.

But of course, they both knew that wouldn't happen. Mr. Azra Fell was too nice for his own good, even though Warlock was sometimes mean to him. He would give Warlock various treats whenever he came over to play with Adam and he would ruffle Warlock's hair like he was his own son. 

Crowley, Mr. Fell’s husband, on the other hand, would scold Warlock for being mean. Warlock hated to admit this, but it worked because Crowley was the coolest person on Earth, and Warlock would hate to disappoint Crowley. So if Crowley told him to apologize to Mr. Fell, Warlock would do it over and over again.

“Can I come over to your house?” Warlock asked, and just like that, the animosity between them disappeared.

“Only when you’re not mean to my dad”, Adam countered.

“Ugh, fine”, Warlock replied as if it was the hardest thing he’d ever done, even though he knew that he would be nice to Mr. Fell anyway.

The first floor of Adam’s house was an antique bookshop that was so old Warlock wondered how did it still manage to stand, but the second floor was actually nice and cozy. The plants decorating the house were the greenest Warlock had ever seen, and the tacky tartan couch covers actually made the house feel more… well, homely.

The smell of baked goods wafted in the air as soon as Warlock and Adam entered the shop. Warlock could tell that Crowley was currently baking something mouth watering upstairs. His guess was right; as soon as he and Adam reached upstairs, they were greeted by the sight of Mr. Fell preparing the plates and forks.

“Right on time, you two. Crowley just finished baking a fruit cake”, Mr. Fell said kindly, just as Crowley sauntered out of the kitchen, carrying a delicious-looking fruit cake. Adam and Warlock immediately took a seat next to Mr. Fell, while Crowley placed the cake at the center of the table.

The three of them ate while Crowley poured freshly brewed tea for them and puttered about the dining room—but not eating. Come to think of it, Warlock thought, he never saw Crowley eat either.

Maybe Crowley was also an alien. Just like his dad.

—

Warlock’s birthday was coming fast, and he knew a party was afoot.

See, his parents were rarely home—they were busy people, after all—but they would always be home and throw him the best birthday party every year, without fail. Last year, Warlock had a cake that towered over him, and his mum even had allowed him to smear the icing on her face. His dad had called it a waste of food, but otherwise he had done nothing to stop Warlock and Adam from throwing food at each other.

So Warlock was absolutely looking forward to this year’s birthday party.

He had just gotten back from Adam’s place, when he saw his mum climbing up the front steps. Warlock chased her and tried to slam into her, but she turned right on time and lifted him so effortlessly like he weighed nothing to her. Warlock laughed and kicked his legs.

“My little mischief maker, how was school? What mischief have you done today?” she asked as she put him down on the ground.

“I hid a girl’s pencil case, and she cried when she couldn’t find it”, Warlock answered.

“Good job”, his mom ruffled his hair.

Bella Zabel was the US Ambassador, even though Warlock knew that it wasn’t really the case. What she actually did whenever she wasn’t home was a mystery to him, and he was determined to find out. Warlock’s current theory was that she worked with alien stuff, like in Men In Black, and she fell in love with one alien in particular. 

It sounded almost too romantic to be true.

“Did you fight aliens today?” Warlock asked, almost too casually, as the two of them entered the house.

“Now that is a bad word. Do not let your father hear it”, his mum chided, and Warlock frowned. It took him a moment to realize that she thought he meant ‘immigrants’—Warlock had learned about it from his mum’s newspapers—while what he was actually asking about was actual aliens from outer space.

Warlock’s dad, Gabriel, was gone most of the day. Warlock didn’t know what his job was, but when he was home, he would teach Warlock about how God was all kind and merciful. He would also tell Warlock fantastic bedtime stories about a great battle between an angel army and a demon army—those were better, and Warlock loved them to bits.

“Is Dad gonna be home for my birthday?” Warlock asked his mum.

“Of course he will. We both will”, his mum said kindly. “After all, it will be your special day. You will be eleven years old.”

Warlock didn’t know what was so special about being eleven years old, but he figured you didn’t turn eleven every day. Satisfied with her answer, Warlock reached for her hand and swayed it back and forth.


	2. Chapter 2

A week passed without much going on. Warlock played with Adam and visited his house where Crowley baked them lots of baked goods. It was summer holiday, and Warlock took full advantage of the sunny days playing with Adam at the nearby park.

Once they were done, they would return to Adam’s house. It was nice to be at Adam’s house, but it made him a little bit sad, somewhat.

His own house felt a little bit empty, in comparison. His mum and dad were rarely home, but when they were, his mum would eat with him and his dad would tuck him into bed. It was nice, though there was nothing Warlock wanted more than having the two of them together with him.

It was why his birthday would be a real special occasion. Both of his parents would be there, along with his many aunts and uncles. It would be a great occasion, and Warlock would be the happiest boy around.

“Dad? Are you going to be home for my birthday party?” Warlock asked as he snuggled himself tight into his blanket.

“Didn’t you ask your mother about it already?” his dad asked in return as he placed his hand on Warlock’s head. Warlock didn’t know how his dad knew about that, but decided that it was probably thanks to his bird-person power.

“I did”, Warlock answered anyway. “But I wanna hear it from you.”

His dad let out a small chuckle and Warlock couldn’t help but smile with him. His dad rarely smiled—in fact, Warlock had never seen him smile whenever he was with Uncle Sandy or Aunt Urie. When his dad smiled, it was always when he was with him.

“I will be home for your birthday party. I promise”, his dad told him. “And what do we do with promises?”

“We keep ‘em”, Warlock answered, although his answer would be different if he was with his mum instead. Warlock had learned to treat both his parents differently. It was just the little things he did for them.

“Good kid”, his dad said, and Warlock’s smile widened. “You’re almost eleven now, huh? Do you know what that means?”

“I’m about to enter Year Seven?” Warlock asked back, and was confused when his dad gave him a blank look. Right,  _ alien _ . His dad probably didn’t know what  _ school _ was, despite him occasionally taking Warlock to one every now and then.

“No, of course not”, his dad answered instead. “You’re going to do great things. Extraordinary things.”

“I will?” Warlock asked, before letting out a huge yawn.

His dad then said something about huge war, heralded by him once he came into power, and both ‘sides’ going all out—but maybe Warlock was dreaming about it all.

He did dream about running in a flower field where soldiers dressed in tutus pranced around and killed each other. That one was weird, but not the weirdest dream he’d ever had.

—

As usual, Warlock’s birthday party was attended by a lot of people, from extended family to his parents’ coworkers. It was funny to see his Uncle Sandy, Aunt Urie, and Aunt Michael standing side by side with Uncle Hastur and Uncle Ligur. They usually didn’t get along. 

Some of his classmates were there too, and so were some of his teachers. But not Adam.

See, Adam and Warlock shared the same birthday; they were even born at the same hospital, somewhere outside London. Normally, they would celebrate their birthday together, but this year Mr. Fell and Crowley had insisted that they celebrated their birthday separately. 

As a compromise, Mr. Fell promised Adam and Warlock could go camping somewhere outside London the next day and for the rest of the weekend. Warlock had been looking forward to that, even though he had to lie a bit to his mum and dad. He was pretty sure his mum and dad wouldn’t mind. It was only for the weekend, after all.

The party was good, though the magician was kinda lame. The cake was even better when Warlock stuffed it down a girl’s dress, which made her cry and his mum smile approvingly at him. He was even allowed to touch Uncle Hastur’s weird pet before he threw it across the yard, to the older man’s surprise.

But then… then, something happened, something that Warlock couldn’t explain.

His mum and dad kept looking at their watch, which made Warlock afraid they had work to do and leave the party early. But they stayed, and then they started arguing with each other—though Warlock couldn’t hear what they were arguing. His dad was gesturing wildly, while his mum gave his dad cold stare that chilled down Warlock’s spine.

And then just like that, they left.

The rest of the party went awful after that. His uncles and aunts were getting restless, and even Warlock’s classmates could sense his unease. Warlock wanted to cry, but he was eleven years old now; he couldn’t just cry like a baby in front of his classmates and family.

So he left the party too. He wanted to find out where his parents had gone, but most of all, he wanted to know what on Earth was going on.

As it turned out, he didn’t have to search for long; he found them in his mum’s study, shouting at each other.

“—not the Antichrist!” his dad had shouted.

“I can see that!” his mum shouted back. This was the first time Warlock heard his mum raise her voice, and… well, it was surprising.

“Is it— Would it be possible, that the Hellhound lost its way?” his dad asked. “Or was otherwise inconvenienced and that caused it to arrive late?”

“Not possible”, his mum answered. She was quiet for a bit, before speaking once again. “The Hellhound has found its master. It is confirmed, then. Warlock is not the Antichrist.”

Warlock felt his heart skip a beat at the mention of his name. The Antichrist? What did that even mean? What were his parents talking about?

“How is this even possible?” he could hear his dad say. “I thought  _ your _ kind delivered the Antichrist. What are we going to do now?”

“There has to be some kind of mix-up. I will investigate, so do not worry your pretty head off”, his mum retorted with an odd buzzing noise. “As for what we are going to do now, well… we have no business keeping this charade up any longer. I’ll see you on the Apocalypse.”

His mum snapped her fingers, and, for the lack of better word,  _ sank _ into the ground. Warlock gaped, before he realized that his dad was turning on his heel and toward where Warlock was peeking through the gap on the door.

“Warlock?” his dad sounded surprised. “What are you—” his dad sighed and shook his head. “It doesn’t matter anymore.”

“D-Dad…?” Warlock felt his voice shook. “What’s happening? What doesn’t matter anymore? I don’t— I don’t understand, Dad.”

“Warlock, let me get this one clear for you”, his dad said, almost too kindly, and Warlock really wanted to hug his dad or cling to him until his dad reassured him like when he was little once again. “You are not my son, and I am not human.”

_ I knew it _ , Warlock thought, but it still hurt. It still hurt so much, because it was real. It wasn't a conspiracy theory anymore.

“The apocalypse is coming. You better run”, his not-dad said.

Warlock did as he was told. He ran.


	3. Chapter 3

Warlock didn’t know where he was supposed to run, so he sought out the only place that felt more like home after his own home. He ran to Adam’s house.

Mr. Fell found him on the pavement, on the verge of sobbing his eyes out. But he couldn’t cry, not now, not when he was in front of other people. He tried to be tough, but honestly, it was hard to do so. His mind was full of questions, and his chest felt like it was going to burst.

“Oh, dear”, was all Mr. Fell said before he took Warlock into the bookshop, told him to sit on the couch, and gave him hot cocoa. Warlock clung to his mug like it was a lifeline, before Mr. Fell urged him to drink it.

“Dad? Where’s Crowley?” Adam’s voice came from the stairs as he walked downstairs, and Warlock quickly wiped the tears off his face. “Warlock? I thought you’re still at your birthday party.”

Being reminded about his botched birthday party made Warlock want to cry again, but he bit his wobbling lips and sipped his hot cocoa. Its warmth spread inside his chest, and it seemed to calm him down, if only for a little bit.

That was when Warlock realized that a dog was trotting by his friend’s side. Warlock had never seen that dog before, so it had to be a new dog—and immediately, a wave of jealousy filled him. Why did Adam get to get a new dog for his birthday, while his own life was falling apart?

But when Warlock looked at his friend’s eyes, filled with concern, he found himself unable to feel bitter. It wasn’t Adam’s fault that Warlock’s parents were such jerks.

“Remember when I told you about how my dad’s probably not human?” Warlock began, his voice shaking. “Well, turns out, both my parents are. Not humans, I mean.”

“Uhh— What?” Adam frowned in confusion.

“I think…” Mr. Fell interrupted, and for a moment, Warlock feared that he was going to call Warlock crazy. But Mr. Fell continued, still as kind as ever, “I think it’s about time you two know the whole thing. You too, Adam. Why don’t you take a seat?”

Adam chose to squish himself on the couch next to Warlock, while Adam’s dog sat on their feet. Warlock nudged his friend’s shoulder, who nudged him back, before they both looked at Mr. Fell.

And so, Mr. Fell told him a story about something that happened at the beginning, when the world was young, and some angels decided to rebel. This caused them to Fall and became demons, and both sides had been battling to tempt humanity to their cause.

Warlock didn’t know what it had to do with him and Adam, but Mr. Fell kept talking about angels and demons, and God and Her Great Plan, which culminated to the end of the world. Warlock didn’t know where Mr. Fell’s story would bring him, until Mr. Fell explained about the birth of the Antichrist, which happened eleven years ago. It was part of God’s Great Plan, and the world was said to end once the Antichrist reached their power on their eleventh birthday. 

However, there were still chances that it would not happen.

“You see, it was a rather ingenious plan on both sides— the side of angels and the side of demons. To ensure the Apocalypse  _ will  _ happen, the leaders of both sides agreed to raise the Antichrist themselves. Everything was calculated perfectly, and once the time had come, the Antichrist would bring about the end of the world”, Mr. Fell said. “But there was one thing that they did not count on.”

“What was that?” Adam asked, curious.

“Why, that Crowley and I did not want the world to end, of course!” Mr. Fell answered with a bright, proud smile. “We both hatched a plan where we would switch the Antichrist with another baby, a perfectly normal human baby. It happened right under their noses too.”

Somewhat, Warlock began to understand how this story would end. He remembered how his parents had said that he was not the Antichrist.

“The leader of the angels and the leader of demons… they’re my parents, aren’t they?” Warlock asked, impatient.

“Archangel Gabriel and Lord Beelzebub, Prince of Hell, respectively, yes”, Mr. Fell answered as he shifted in his seat, and Warlock felt his stomach jump at the mention of his Dad’s name.

His dad was an archangel! And his mum was a demon, apparently. No wonder she always encouraged him to be mischievous. Did that mean mischief counted as bad deeds? Warlock’s head hurt as he tried to take Mr. Fell’s story in.

“Wait, what happened to the Antichrist? I mean, after you switch it with a normal— I mean, with Warlock?” Adam interrupted.

“Crowley and I, partly because we were unable to part with him and partly to ensure that both sides would never find out about the switch, we decided to raise him ourselves”, Mr. Fell answered, as his gaze fell to Adam. “And he is sitting in front of me, right now.”

“Me?” Adam asked. He looked really confused. “But I’m just a normal boy. I can’t— I don’t want to make the world end.”

“And you have the power to make it stop— Crowley and I theorized that you can stop the Apocalypse or even prevent it from happening, if you wish to do so”, Mr. Fell said. “You already made a lot of changes on your whims. For example, the weather is always nice whenever you decide to play out with Warlock, isn’t it?”

“That’s because of me?” Adam asked.

Mr. Fell shifted again on his seat. “Well, I might have had helped, with miracles of my own.”

Something popped inside Warlock’s head.

“You’re not a human either”, he pointed out.

“Crowley and I both are not humans, that is true, yes”, Mr. Fell blinked. “I am an angel, while Crowley is a demon.”

As if being summoned, Crowley then sauntered (more likely, limped) into the bookshop, surprising both Warlock and Adam, although Mr. Fell looked like he was expecting him to come.

“We need to run”, was all Crowley said.

Then, everything went downhill from there.


	4. Chapter 4

Lightning struck outside the bookshop, surprising Warlock and everyone else, but Warlock didn’t have the chance to look as he was being ushered into the backseat of Crowley’s car, along with Adam and his dog (which apparently was named Dog). Mr. Fell took the front seat, while Crowley was on the driver’s seat.

“Go, go, go, go,  _ go _ ”, Mr. Fell urged while he looked back. Warlock got curious, so he tried to look back too. Unfortunately in that moment, the car tore off from where it was parked, causing Warlock to stumble in his seat.

“What’s happening?!” Adam shouted more than asked, and he clung to Dog like it was his lifeline. This was not the first time Warlock experienced Crowley’s mad driving, but he still wished he had something to hold on, at the very least.

“The forces of Hell found out about the Switch and pinned the blame onto me”, Crowley answered through gritted teeth. “They ambushed me earlier— damn Hastur and Ligur.”

Warlock shivered at the mention of his uncles. Suddenly, it made a lot of sense, that his uncles—and probably his aunts too— turned out to be demons in disguise.

“Oh dear”, Mr. Fell said. “Well, from the lightning just now, pretty sure the heavenly host is on our tail too.”

“Well, shit”, Crowley cursed. 

—

They managed to get out of London, thankfully unscathed. Warlock wondered where were they going, but was too afraid to ask. From his barest understanding of angels and demons, it seemed they could appear wherever they wanted, so running away seemed pointless.

“Ow”, he heard Adam whine from the seat next to him.

“Are you okay?” Warlock asked. His friend was the Antichrist—whatever that meant, it seemed pretty important. Yet, Warlock couldn’t help but feel protective of Adam, regardless.

“Just… the voices”, Adam whimpered. “They’re getting louder.”

“Voices? Inside your head? Is this normal? What are they saying?” Mr. Fell looked incredibly concerned, and Warlock thought he would jump to the backseat to get to Adam, if not for the incredibly tight space.

“It’s normal, but it’s gonna get louder once he reaches his full power. They’re probably telling him to end the world”, Crowley answered, and Warlock could tell that Mr. Fell looked even more worried, if that was even possible.

“Um. They actually told me that, that I can make things happen”, Adam said.

“Maybe you should keep us safe from whoever’s trying to get to us”, Warlock couldn’t help but joke. Mr. Fell, Crowley, and Adam looked like they hadn’t considered this.

Before any of them could say anything, however, lightning struck the road ahead of them and the car screeched to a stop. This caused Adam and Warlock to stumble forward, their heads hitting the back of Mr. Fell and Crowley’s seats.

“Crowley!” Mr. Fell cried out.

“That wasn’t me!” Crowley returned.

“Correct, that izzz me”, a voice that eerily sounded like his mum’s came from outside the car. Warlock righted himself and saw his parents (no, not his parents—never his parents) stood outside the car.

“Consorting with the enemy, stealing the Antichrist, meddling with the matter of the Apocalypse. Demon Crowley, you will face repercussions for your actionzzz”, Lord Beelzebub said tonelessly, so different than when she was posing as Warlock’s mother.

“Aziraphale, where is the Antichrist?” Archangel Gabriel asked— more like commanded Mr. Fell to answer, and Warlock shook with fear. His not-parents were not human, that much was clear now, but how could he have missed it? How could he be so blind?

“The, um, the Antichrist, yes, uh…” Mr. Fell stuttered, but before he could answer, his da— Archangel Gabriel turned his eyes to Adam on the backseat.

“Is that him?”

“Leave my friend alone!” Warlock shouted as he tried to cover Adam with his own body. His not-parents had hurt him; like Hell if he was letting them hurt his friend!

“Warlock, this doezzz not concern you. Get out of the car”, his mu— Lord Beelzebub said, and Warlock had to resist the urge to follow her order with every fibre of his being.

Warlock was about to shout back at her, but he felt a hand on his shoulder. It was  _ Adam’s _ . Warlock turned to see his best (only) friend.

“It’s okay. It’s me that they want”, Adam said, his voice almost too calm for his own good.

“Adam, no”, Crowley hissed, but it was too late. Adam got out of the car and approached the two pe— the Archangel and the Demon, with Dog following behind him. Warlock cursed, before getting out of the car too, followed by Mr. Fell and Crowley.

“I don’t understand what is happening”, Adam said. “When Dad explained it to me, it seems that you want the world to end so that you can prove which gang is best.”

Crowley let out a snort that could have been a laughter, but Warlock wasn’t so sure. His da— Archangel Gabriel glanced at Lord Beelzebub, confusion clear on their faces, before he bent over Adam patronizingly. Mr. Fell was about to move, but Crowley held him in place. Warlock, who had no such restriction, moved so that he stood next to Adam.

“It is the Great Plan”, Archangel Gabriel said. “It is the entire reason for the creation of the Earth.”

“I got this. Adam”, Lord Beelzebub stepped forward and smiled not-so-kindly. “When all this is over, you’re going to get to rule the world. Don’t you want to rule the world?”

Adam turned to look at Mr. Fell, who looked increasingly worried.

“Pretty sure my dad won’t allow it”, Adam said, and he reached for Warlock’s hand and gave it a squeeze. “Besides, I’ve got all the world I want. Here, with my family and my best friend. And you know what? I am not listening to you, until you apologize to Warlock.”

Warlock turned to his friend, mouth gaping, but Adam was not done yet.

“The voices in my head said I can make things happen, so here are the things I  _ want  _ to happen”, Adam said. “I want the Apocalypse to never happen,  _ ever _ . I want you two and the rest of your kinds, to leave my family  _ alone _ . And while personally I would want you two specifically to take Warlock back, I don’t want to ask that. I think Warlock is better off with us.”

There was a shudder in the air, that felt as if the world had just released a deep, deep breath. Warlock looked up, to where the sun was beginning to set and the sky was painted in red. When Warlock turned his attention back to his pa— to the Archangel and the Prince of Hell, he saw that their faces were red from anger.

“You can’t just refuse to be who you are!” Archangel Gabriel said, his voice shook. “You’re the Antichrist, for— for Heavens’ sake!”

Warlock, who had been friends with Adam for over than half of his life, knew that this was, inevitably, the worst thing anyone could say to one Adam Fell.

“Well yeah? Try me!” Adam puffed in outrage.

Both Archangel Gabriel and Lord Beelzebub were beginning to look rather disheveled. Eventually, Lord Beelzebub buzzed angrily and said, “Thizzz izzn’t over.”

With that, the two of them turned on their heels and began to leave.

“M-Mum? D-Dad?” Warlock called out to them.

Only his mum paused briefly. Yet the two of them did not turn back. 

They were gone the next time Warlock blinked.


	5. Chapter 5

Warlock was  _ pretending _ to be asleep.

In fact, he was very much not asleep, but listening to Mr. Fell and Crowley talking downstairs. The floor and the walls were rather thin, so Warlock could catch every word.

“I have been thinking—” Mr. Fell said.

“That’s dangerous”, Crowley interrupted, but then Warlock heard a thud and a snort, and Warlock imagined Mr. Fell had kicked Crowley or something.

“I’ve been thinking”, Mr. Fell repeated. “That perhaps we could, you know, take Warlock in?”

This was pretty much the exact reason why Warlock was pretending to be asleep. The two of them had been sharing not-so discreet Look, with a capital L, over Warlock on the ride back to the bookshop, after Adam had put off the Apocalypse possibly forever. Warlock hated Not-Knowing, after what happened to him, and was determined to know the whole thing so that he wouldn’t be caught off guard anymore.

“Angel, we already took him in. He’s practically making himself at home in Adam’s room right at this moment”, Crowley returned.

This was not the first time Crowley had called Mr. Fell ‘Angel’, but only now Warlock understood its relevance. Mr. Fell was, in fact, an angel—and the whole thing with Warlock’s parents being not-human was, in fact, true instead of some kind of fever dream.

“You know what I meant”, Mr. Fell tutted.

“What about his parents?” Crowley asked. “His real— blood—  _ whatever _ — parents?”

Warlock felt his heart sped up. That… had never occurred to him, to have actual,  _ human _ parents.

“Out of the question”, Mr. Fell answered. “The Dowlings believed their child was stillborn, remember? Part of the Arrangement.”

Dowlings. He had mum and dad, and their last name was Dowling! He tried to imagine what they looked like, but all he could see was his not-mum and not-dad. Warlock felt something inside his chest clench, and his eyes were beginning to water. He wanted his mum and dad back—the ones who he knew were not his, but still— 

“Well…” Crowley said with a heavy sigh. “Y’know what, I seem to recall Adam going through a phase when he really wanted a sibling, remember?”

Warlock put his fist in his mouth, trying not to laugh— mostly because he didn’t want to wake Adam up, who had passed out shortly after they arrived back at the bookshop an hour-ish ago.

Another sigh. “Yes, I remember. That is why I brought it up”, Mr. Fell returned. “So you agree?”

“Eh, sure. Why not?” Crowley asked back. “One more gremlin to take care of.”

A pop of a bottle being opened and a clink of a glass were heard. Warlock wondered if the two men (?) were drinking, but focused his attention back to their conversation again.

“I wonder what this means for us, though”, Mr. Fell said, and Warlock wondered what it meant.

“I think I’d rather continue this conversation later, when we’re not being eavesdropped”, Crowley returned. “Go the Hell to sleep, you two! It’s past your bedtime!”

Warlock was stunned and he turned to where Adam had slept, only to see that he was awake. The two of them then giggled, before attempting to bury each other in pillows and blankets.

“You’ll get used to it”, Adam said wisely once they stopped, lying on the bed exhaustedly. “Bro-lock.”

Warlock slammed his new brother’s face with a pillow.

—

A week passed without much going on, then a month, and Warlock slowly settled with the Fells (and Crowley). Suddenly, there was a new bedroom in the cramped bookshop, with his own bed and a desk, complete with all his belongings. Warlock didn’t know how they got them all, or how all of them could fit inside his new room, but he figured he should get used to these little miracles living with his new family.

And that was another thing he should get used to, wasn’t it?  _ His new family _ . He had a whole new family, with his best friend and their two dads. It was almost incomprehensible and unbelievable, yet he lived it day after day.

Mr. Fell—who’d rather be called Azra, Aziraphale, or Dad—was probably the nicest dad Warlock had ever have. He didn’t tell Warlock bedtime stories about glorious battles between angels and demons like his da— Archangel Gabriel did, but he kissed him goodnight when he tucked him in. He told him to be careful when crossing the road, and cut his sandwiches into triangles, and ate with him— basically everything that his da— Archangel Gabriel did  _ not _ do.

Now, Crowley didn’t eat much, but he sat on the dining table when it was time for breakfast and dinner, and he would listen to Warlock and Adam rambling about what they did or what they planned to do. He cooked for them and even taught Warlock how to cook when he asked—and that was basically how Mr. Fell and Adam found them, on one particularly breezy Sunday, covered in flour as they made Mr. Fell’s favorite biscuits.

A month turned into two months, and then three, and Adam and Warlock were back to school where they started Year Seven. School stuff was getting more difficult, but when Adam and Warlock were having some difficulties with their homework, Crowley (and occasionally Mr. Fell) would help them with it.

As it turned out, Crowley had several PhDs and was well-versed in math and physics. Who knew?

— 

And then, after months of peace, Lord Beelzebub, Prince of Hell, came into the bookshop.

It was a nice day, at the beginning of winter holiday, and the Fells (and Crowley) were about to eat out.

Mr. Fell threatened her with a spray bottle filled with holy water, but she was completely unfazed. Her attention was fully on Warlock, who was standing behind Crowley and Adam—very much not by his own choice.

“I juzzzt want to talk”, she said. There was something like exasperation in her voice, and Warlock thought back of those times when he skinned his knees when he was little.

“Then talk”, Mr. Fell said, but his mu— the Prince of Hell simply ignored him and instead gave Warlock a look that could only be described as warm.

“Have you had lunch?” she asked.

“We’re about to, thank you for asking”, Crowley answered with a smile that showed too many teeth. There was tenseness in his posture that Warlock had never seen before.

Lord Beelzebub let out a sigh.

“After Principality Aziraphale and Demon Crowley were removed from their status, Heaven and Hell reassigned both me and Archangel Gabriel to oversee the Earth”, she said. “And I— I mean, we — thought, perhaps we can make amends. With you, Warlock.”

“Why isn’t Da— I mean, Archangel Gabriel here?” Warlock asked, and immediately regretted it.

“He…” Lord Beelzebub swallowed. “He hazzz other matterzz to attend to.”

“Oh.” Warlock didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know why he felt disappointed.

Lord Beelzebub then smiled at him.

“We can be a family again. Don’t you want that, my little mischief maker?” she said.

“Um, sorry to interrupt”, Mr. Fell straightened up and brandished the spray bottle like it was a gun. “But I thought you were going to make amends, not manipulating Warlock emotionally into, into whatever you’re planning to do.”

Lord Beelzebub stared at Mr. Fell like she was going to incinerate him on the spot, and Warlock thought  _ this will get ugly _ , so he decided to step forward.

“I— I’m sorry, but you’re too late”, he said, before looking back at his new family, his  _ real _ family now. “I already have a family, here. Mr. Fell is, is my new dad, now. And Crowley, he is my other dad— even though he says he doesn’t like that title, I know deep down that he does.”

“I  _ do not _ ”, Crowley argued, but Warlock waved him off with a laugh, before continuing.

“And I have a brother now. And, and I don’t need you, or— or Archangel Gabriel”, he said, before adding. “But you’re welcome to invite me and my family for teas, though.”

That made Crowley laugh, at least, and Warlock smiled with him, feeling too big for his own body. He took Crowley’s hand in one hand and his Dad’s in another, and Adam patting his back, and Dog yapping happily.

He had his family right here.

— 

When Warlock was eleven years old, he knew about a whole lot of things. Like he knew that angels and demons and the Antichrist existed, and they lived in a small antique bookshop in London. 

They were Warlock’s family, and neither Heaven or Hell could take them away from him.

**Author's Note:**

> aaaand we're done! i'm thinking to write a spinoff to tie some loose ends but for now, this fic is done!!
> 
> hit me up @ [my tumblr](https://ineffable--soulmates.tumblr.com/) :3


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